Back to school separation anxiety
It's time to be heading back to school, which can be a difficult transition after the more unstructured days of summer break. For some children, this can be a stressful time when there is fear around starting at a new school or entering a new classroom, away from the safety of their home or parents (i.e. attachment figures). These children might become tearful when being dropped off at school, express worry and nervousness about going to school, or clinging to their parents when it’s time for them to separate. Separation from something/someone that makes us feel safe is difficult and the behaviors described above are “rooted in attachment,” (Kennedy, 2022, p. 267). Separation anxiety related to school happens when a child is uncertain that they will be able to feel safe and secure with their teachers or in the school environment when their parent is not with them as they do not yet hold that feeling of safety within themselves (Kennedy, 2022).
So, how do we support our child when they are struggling to say goodbye and walk into school?
• Holding Confidence - These separations can be difficult for parents too. We hope that when we send our child to school that they are enjoying their time there and that they see school as a positive place to go. Parents might feel scared, stressed, anxious, irritated, or even angry when their child is having a difficult time going into school. Take a breath and reflect on how you are feeling about the separation and how your child is reacting. These feelings are okay to have but may also make the goodbye harder for both you and your child as our children can absorb our feelings. When we present as scared or worried, along with our child, we are sending the message that they are right in being scared and that we are asking them to do a scary thing and that we are not certain that they can handle it. See if you can acknowledge how you are feeling before drop-off and, for the moment, ask for space from that feeling so that you can, instead, be a “sturdy leader” for your child when saying goodbye (Kennedy, 2022, p. 270). As a leader, you can hold firmly a belief that your child is capable of getting through hard things, that they are safe, and that you believe in them.
• Practice Practice Practice - Practicing the separation can familiarize the routine of saying goodbye. This might look like setting up a pretend drop-off scene at home, where the child feels safe. Decide what the goodbye routine will look like. Maybe there’s a special handshake, a hug, and “I love you, have a great day, I will pick you up after school.” Include your child in creating this routine, then practice, practice, practice. If there’s a way to practice the goodbye routine at the school before school is in session, when the stakes are low, take advantage of that opportunity. Don’t forget to practice the morning routine for school days. Get sleep back on track from summer break and have a list of morning to-dos for the child to follow to help them get ready in the morning. Make this routine consistent and make mornings predictable.
• Familiarization and Feelings - Prepare your child for what going to school might look like. Tell them who their teachers are and anything you know about the school. Show them pictures or go to the school to check it out, if possible. If you have an older child that’s been there before, encourage them to share their positive experiences. Help your child get a feel for what their day might look like. Throughout this, acknowledge their feelings as they are expressed without telling them not to feel that way. Let them know that you understand how they are feeling and that their feelings make sense before you offer any suggestions. Just listen and reflect back to them what you hear them say. “I hear you are really scared and that makes sense you feel that way ‘cus this is all new and you don’t know what to expect.”
• Anxiety is Not a Villain - Your child’s anxious feelings are trying to keep them safe from something that feels unfamiliar and scary to them. Your child just doesn’t know yet that they can feel safe at school, too. When we are talking with our children about their anxious feelings, we want to keep in mind that, instead of getting rid of or talking bad about anxious feelings, we want to talk about and do things to help those anxious feelings feel safer. This might sound like, “what might help you trust that you’ve got this?” This might look like offering a transitional object such as a photo of the family or a small object from home for their locker or backpack. You could let the child choose something of yours to keep with them such as a piece of jewelry or a hat. You could draw a picture on their hand such as a heart to remind them that you are thinking of them and will be reunited soon. Get creative.
• The Reunion - Talk about and practice the reunion at the end of the school day. Remind your child that you will be back, that the separation is temporary. Talk about what after school will look like. When does school end? How will they get home? Who will be there? Making the reunions as familiar and predictable as the goodbyes can help the child begin to trust that when they are separated, they will soon be reunited.
These strategies can help ease those back to school worries of saying goodbye to parents, temporarily, and hello to the world of school. If you try these strategies and there is little to no improvement, it is important to determine if there is more going on for your child. Is there something specific about school that is creating fear, such as bullying? Has there been more stress in the family recently, such as a loss, a new sibling, or another big change within the family? When separation anxiety becomes recurrent, excessive, and persistent your child might meet criteria for Separation Anxiety Disorder (American Psychiatric Association, 2022). For more support through the process of transitioning to school when there is separation anxiety or to determine if your child’s separation anxiety is severe enough for a diagnosis, please contact the intake department to set up an appointment with a clinician at (847) 413-9700.
ReferencesAmerican Psychiatric Association. (2022). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed., text rev.).Kennedy, B. (2022). Good inside: A guide to becoming the parent you want to be. Harper Wave.
Erica Schulz, Psy.D., CADC
So, how do we support our child when they are struggling to say goodbye and walk into school?
• Holding Confidence - These separations can be difficult for parents too. We hope that when we send our child to school that they are enjoying their time there and that they see school as a positive place to go. Parents might feel scared, stressed, anxious, irritated, or even angry when their child is having a difficult time going into school. Take a breath and reflect on how you are feeling about the separation and how your child is reacting. These feelings are okay to have but may also make the goodbye harder for both you and your child as our children can absorb our feelings. When we present as scared or worried, along with our child, we are sending the message that they are right in being scared and that we are asking them to do a scary thing and that we are not certain that they can handle it. See if you can acknowledge how you are feeling before drop-off and, for the moment, ask for space from that feeling so that you can, instead, be a “sturdy leader” for your child when saying goodbye (Kennedy, 2022, p. 270). As a leader, you can hold firmly a belief that your child is capable of getting through hard things, that they are safe, and that you believe in them.
• Practice Practice Practice - Practicing the separation can familiarize the routine of saying goodbye. This might look like setting up a pretend drop-off scene at home, where the child feels safe. Decide what the goodbye routine will look like. Maybe there’s a special handshake, a hug, and “I love you, have a great day, I will pick you up after school.” Include your child in creating this routine, then practice, practice, practice. If there’s a way to practice the goodbye routine at the school before school is in session, when the stakes are low, take advantage of that opportunity. Don’t forget to practice the morning routine for school days. Get sleep back on track from summer break and have a list of morning to-dos for the child to follow to help them get ready in the morning. Make this routine consistent and make mornings predictable.
• Familiarization and Feelings - Prepare your child for what going to school might look like. Tell them who their teachers are and anything you know about the school. Show them pictures or go to the school to check it out, if possible. If you have an older child that’s been there before, encourage them to share their positive experiences. Help your child get a feel for what their day might look like. Throughout this, acknowledge their feelings as they are expressed without telling them not to feel that way. Let them know that you understand how they are feeling and that their feelings make sense before you offer any suggestions. Just listen and reflect back to them what you hear them say. “I hear you are really scared and that makes sense you feel that way ‘cus this is all new and you don’t know what to expect.”
• Anxiety is Not a Villain - Your child’s anxious feelings are trying to keep them safe from something that feels unfamiliar and scary to them. Your child just doesn’t know yet that they can feel safe at school, too. When we are talking with our children about their anxious feelings, we want to keep in mind that, instead of getting rid of or talking bad about anxious feelings, we want to talk about and do things to help those anxious feelings feel safer. This might sound like, “what might help you trust that you’ve got this?” This might look like offering a transitional object such as a photo of the family or a small object from home for their locker or backpack. You could let the child choose something of yours to keep with them such as a piece of jewelry or a hat. You could draw a picture on their hand such as a heart to remind them that you are thinking of them and will be reunited soon. Get creative.
• The Reunion - Talk about and practice the reunion at the end of the school day. Remind your child that you will be back, that the separation is temporary. Talk about what after school will look like. When does school end? How will they get home? Who will be there? Making the reunions as familiar and predictable as the goodbyes can help the child begin to trust that when they are separated, they will soon be reunited.
These strategies can help ease those back to school worries of saying goodbye to parents, temporarily, and hello to the world of school. If you try these strategies and there is little to no improvement, it is important to determine if there is more going on for your child. Is there something specific about school that is creating fear, such as bullying? Has there been more stress in the family recently, such as a loss, a new sibling, or another big change within the family? When separation anxiety becomes recurrent, excessive, and persistent your child might meet criteria for Separation Anxiety Disorder (American Psychiatric Association, 2022). For more support through the process of transitioning to school when there is separation anxiety or to determine if your child’s separation anxiety is severe enough for a diagnosis, please contact the intake department to set up an appointment with a clinician at (847) 413-9700.
ReferencesAmerican Psychiatric Association. (2022). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed., text rev.).Kennedy, B. (2022). Good inside: A guide to becoming the parent you want to be. Harper Wave.
Erica Schulz, Psy.D., CADC