The antidote to jealousy- sympathetic joy

At our best, we are mostly kind, generous, supportive individuals who want only the best for everyone we care about. We want to support, be happy for, and share in the excitement of others’ accomplishments and good fortune. We want to celebrate all the wins and lift others up with authentic joy in our hearts and our voices because that truly feels good and that is what we would want from others. But… in reality we are sometimes frail and do not live up to our own altruistic standards. Hearing someone else’s good news sometimes stings. Instead of excitement for our friend, we can feel threatened, or even resentful of another's accomplishments and brilliant good fortune. We want to feel happy for them, but in this moment, we just can’t seem to muster that feeling. That doesn’t feel good. And to make it more uncomfortable, our critical minds respond with self-judgment, for not feeling the way we “should” feel. Now we are struggling with the jealousy, the resentment for them, as well as the judgment of our selves. It’s a one-two punch. The only way out of this little sand trap is to accept both of these reactions as human, to meet them each with curiosity and compassion. And from there we can introduce another way of thinking that feeds the mind in a more open and appreciative way, where everybody wins. 

Everyone feels jealous at times; it is in our human nature to compare ourselves to others. It is also in our nature to want to do better, to have more, to experience higher prestige, and to feel happier. And what is most ingrained in our nature is to compete with others for higher standing in social realms. One of the primary functions of the human ego is to see itself as separate from others, and to provide for its own safety in terms of being loveable and never feeling “less than”. So we look outside ourselves at the surrounding world, see what others are doing, what others have, how others are viewed socially, and we panic – “Oh no, I am not keeping up!” Or, “Uh oh, they have the thing I should have and I don’t. What’s wrong with me?” All of these are informed by the eternally flawed view that there is only so much health, happiness and success to go around, so if others have more, there is less for us. 

The reality is that there is plenty to go around for us all. Peace, happiness, love, security, health and success are not limited resources. Actually, they are contagious and self-perpetuating. When we promote them for another, we experience them for ourselves. We will feel whatever we are focusing on. “I’m missing out on something” becomes true when we see what we don’t have. “They are happy and I am also happy” becomes true when we focus on what we DO have, and the good things that we have done. To look toward the good that others have or are, actually inspires us toward higher creativity and evolution, if that is what we are seeking. If they do well, we do well, and vice versa.

Sympathetic Joy is a Buddhist concept that is simply the act of cultivating happiness for others, which results in a sense of joy within ourselves. It is said to be the most challenging of Buddhist practices, because of the ego presence we are working against. But it is also said to be the most powerful and productive when we can achieve even a small amount of this mindset, because of the freedom and openness it brings. We no longer have to compete or fear that another will have or do something better than us. Jealousy cannot live in the same place as appreciation. Inspiration, creativity and friendliness are free to flourish again. 

Here is a practice that turns that mindset of jealousy and lack, to appreciation and joy.

The basic idea is simply to think about everyone you know, and all the good things they experienced today, and try to feel that it’s so great they could enjoy these wonderful things today.

You can start by thinking about the people close to you—good friends, family members, loved ones, co-workers—and bring to mind the happiness, joys and satisfactions you saw them experience; or those that you know or imagine they experienced. For each good experience they had, you smile and think, “that’s so wonderful for them!”

You can then move beyond the happiness and good fortune of others to the good deeds that others did. This is the more powerful form of sympathetic joy, as it goes beyond everyday pleasure to the altruistic pleasure of doing good for others that reinforces our best nature.

This is the part of practice that is easy. Because, from the psychological and neurological standpoints, as Dr. Rick Hanson notes, reinforcing our positive qualities comes about by bringing to mind past positive mental states and actions; feeling good about them; and then holding them for some time in our minds instead of moving on. 

This “dwelling on the good” is the opposite of unproductive rumination on the bad. Rejoicing like this makes our minds more prone to happiness and more able to make joyful connections with others.Then, circle back to yourself and rejoice in all the good things that you did today. (It tends to be hardest for us in our culture to honor our own good deeds and feelings than those of others, so it can be easier to start with focusing on others. You can certainly do this in the opposite order as well, however.) 

A Guided Meditation for Sympathetic Joy

Before fully relaxing, do whatever you need to do to feel comfortable. Grab a drink, get a blanket if you’re cold, or turn on a fan if you’re hot.

And then settle down into stillness and move your mind through your day—through everyone you encountered—and focus only on the good that they did.

These can be simple things, like the person who made your sandwich for lunch or who brewed your morning coffee. 

(Pause to reflect)

Rejoice in your family, and all the good that they did. Try, if you can, to completely ignore any annoyance or conflict, and focus only on the good deeds.

(Pause to reflect)

Think of the people who you work with, the good work they accomplished, whatever benefit their efforts had on the world; even just the basics like making enough money to feed and house themselves and the ones they love.

(Pause to reflect)

Think of the basic kindness and consideration that most people demonstrated today. “Society is kindness” as the Dalai Lama says, through cooperation and mutual respect and kindnesses as simple as opening a door or stopping at a stoplight.

(Pause to reflect)

Then expand your mind to greater kindnesses. You may know people with great degrees of kindness and joy like selfless mothers; children who offer their unbridled joy to their parents and teachers and friends; the altruistic risks that nurses and doctors take in caring for those from whom they could catch diseases.

(Pause to reflect)

And then if you know any beings on earth who wholly dedicate themselves to others, if you feel some kinship with those on the far spectrum of kindness like great spiritual leaders or peace activists or maybe a politician or a philanthropist or a writer or some other public figure who wholly dedicates their life to others; imagine what they did today. How, from the moment they woke to the moment they went to sleep they thought only of others and helped them through their problems. How, often, their very presence and smile were enough to transform another person’s day or life for the better. And how some of their greater projects might have brought happiness or improved or even saved the lives of hundreds or thousands or even millions of people.

Do this for some time. Let your mind wander across anyone who comes to mind and rejoice in all the good that they did today.

(Pause to reflect)

And then bring your mind to the ones you have the hardest time with, the ones you left out. The people you’re jealous of, who you may hold a grudge toward just because of their happiness or good fortune. And work to feel sympathetic joy for them too. Use your imagination to rejoice in the good that they experienced today too; and also recognize the good that they did today as well, and their continued potential for good inside them.

(Pause to reflect)

And then come back to your family and friends, the positive things that they did today. This should be comfortable, rejoicing again in all of their good.

(Pause to reflect)

And now zero in on yourself. Let go of any judgment or shame or guilt. And think only of the good that you did today. Catalog the simple joys you experienced: like your shower or breakfast or cup of coffee, the joy of moving and being alive in exercise or walking through the world, the joys of doing your work, and the joy of relaxing right now.

(Pause to reflect)

And then go through the good that you did today: simple things like the benefit of your smile, or an affectionate touch. Perhaps you did even more to help others today in your work or your family or through some accident that gave you a chance to help someone else: helping someone by listening to their pain, by giving a little money to the homeless, by supporting a good cause.
Rest in all your goodness.

(Pause to reflect)

Rejoice in having rejoiced, at steering your mind and brain toward its best instincts, its natural state of calm and contentment. 

(Pause to reflect)

Gradually come out of this meditation when you like. But you may find that it’s quite pleasant in this state of rejoicing. 

Then, when you’re finally done, you may feel filled, even overflowing with the goodness that was always there; that all you had to do was recognize and catalog all the good around you in order to have it color your mood.

(Pause to reflect)

And when you are ready you can get up and finish out your day by sharing your joy with others, or, if you’re alone, by simply resting in contentedly in that joy.

For an audio version of this meditation, click here.
Meditation credit to Scott Snibbe, https://www.skepticspath.org/podcast/34-sympathetic-joy/Focusing on the Positive, Rick Hanson PhD, https://www.rickhanson.net/focusing-positive/

Meghan Scully, LCSW CADC

The antidote to jealousy- sympathetic joy

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